Holiday Bimbos

No content warnings for this one, just maybe some controversial opinions?

Happy Holidays, Bimbos! I hope this substack finds you curled up under a blanket with a mug of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows in one hand, and the hand of a loved one in the other. I come to you today to share a list of my favorite Holiday Bimbos (besides you all, of course!)

1. Vanessa Hudgens

This huge Coachella fan has been on the Holiday grind over the past five years. Her face shows up on my Netflix recommended page every holiday season without fail, but has anyone actually watched The Princess Switch movies? There are so many of them (three), but I have admittedly never seen even one. But here is my best guess as to what it is about based on context clues. I think it’s a Lindsay Lohan in Parent Trap situation, where Vanessa plays two twins (and one of them is a Princess?) The other one is a baker, I think. They probably have never met before, but something happens like one or both of them having an identity crisis that somehow brings them together. There are two handsome men, one is a Prince, maybe, and the other has a down to earth lumberjack-lite vibe? Not sure. But Vanessa went hard on this franchise, and that makes her a major Holiday Bimbo. She also did a movie in 2019 called The Knight Before Christmas, which I have also never seen. She has been on the Holiday grind, and I respect her for it, but it also makes her a Bimbo.

2. The Rockettes

Obviously. 

3. Mrs. Claus

Mrs. Claus is such a bimbo. She has no widely-accepted first name and mostly just exists so that Santa Claus is more of a nice gift-giving grandpa figure instead of a creepy single old man who knows the names and actions of every child in the world. According to the 1970 stop-motion Christmas Classic, Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town! Mrs. Claus’ first name is Jessica and she met Mr. Claus when she was a schoolteacher. Schoolteacher plus the name Jessica equals BIMBO! She’s also a hottie.

4. Lindsay Lohan

Because of the slutty Christmas little outfit she wears in Mean Girls and also everything about the Christmas movie she was in last year, Falling for Christmas. This was Lindsay’s big acting comeback. First of all, having your big acting comeback be a Christmas movie is such a bimbo move. The movie itself is also very bimbo: it’s about an heiress who hits her head in a skiing accident, which makes her forget she’s an heiress and consequently become, like, a better person or something? I haven’t watched it and I probably won’t because everyone I ask to watch it with me says no.

5. Samantha Parkington (The American Girl Doll)

My favorite semi-niche Christmas movie is Samantha: An American Girl Holiday. My sister and I were super into American Girl Dolls as kids, and for a while our favorites were Samantha and Nellie (she had Samantha, and I had Nellie). Samantha is a bimbo in the spoiled brat savior complex kind of way. 

6. Eloise (at the Plaza)

Similar to Samantha, Eloise is a spoiled brat bimbo. She runs rampant in the Plaza Hotel with her pug, Weenie, and turtle, Skipperdee, and only occasionally has to answer for her behavior to her Nanny, Nanny. And she is suuuuuch a big fan of Christmas. To be fair to her, she’s a six-year-old who has been mostly left alone by the adults in her life to do whatever the hell she wants – it makes a lot of sense she is the way she is. Still. Christmas Bimbo.

7. Mariah Carey

She is the Queen Bimbo of Christmas. She especially fits into the Bimbo standard I have set of Bimbos being absolutely wrecked by the media. She has a crazy voice and is insanely talented, but is there anyone who hasn’t seen the video of her performing “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at the 2014 Rockefeller Center tree lighting? The one that’s a little painful to listen to? You know I love a backstory, so here’s the one from that night:

Mariah kept the audience out waiting in the freezing rain for three hours before she finally came out to perform – reportedly, she was stuck on the phone with her lawyers discussing her divorce from Nick Cannon (barf). When she finally came out to perform, it was……not good. TO BE FAIR, she was on the phone for hours before the performance (voice sooo tired), it was freezing cold outside (baaad conditions for singing), and it looks like she’s having trouble with her in-ears (that makes it hard to sing too!!) So, like, obviously she didn’t sound great! She is still the Queen Bimbo of Christmas. 

8. McKayla Witt in Santa Girl

My bestie McKayla Witt, who is very short, played an elf named Pep in a 2019 Christmas movie starring Harper from Wizards of Waverly Place and Ned from Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide. She’s really funny in it and so weird. McKayla is a Holiday Bimbo.

9. Anyone with a BFA who plays an Elf at Macy’s

There is something so bimbo about spending sooooo much money on a degree in dressing up and playing pretend and then putting that expensive-ass degree to use in a department store. Wearing pointy plastic ears and colored tights. Dealing with germy kids. (I love kids, and would love to be an elf because I look good with pointy ears, but I also acknowledge that it would make me a bimbo)

10. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

My favorite Holiday movie, probably of all time, is How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 2000 live-action version starring Jim Carrey and pre-Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen). Upon revisiting this classic, I discovered the true bimbo of the story. No, it’s not Cindy Lou. No, it’s not even Martha May. Martha May is a bimbo (and a hottie), don’t get me wrong, but she is not theeeee bimbo of The Grinch. You know who is? The fucking Grinch! Mr. Grinch himself! I’ll tell you why.

Classic bimbohood, to me, is built on the experience of living in the world as a girl. The Grinch is not a girl, so I understand if you’re not with me yet. But the significance of that experience lies in the fact that girls are living in a world, society, whatever you want to call it, that was not built for them. The Grinch is living in Whoville, yet he’s not a Who, he’s a Grinch. I’m pretty sure “Grinch” is both his name and the name of his species, which is either completely separate from or a subspecies of Who. The point is, the Grinch is living in a world that was not created for him. Like bimbos do! 

In the 2000 live-action movie, we see The Grinch’s backstory – he was delivered to the doorstep of a pair of lesbians (I don’t care what you say, they are lesbians) while they were having a big Christmas sex party, and he was left out in the cold all night. Trauma from literally day one. And then he grows up surrounded by a bunch of super duper white kids with straight parents (not lesbians) who tell him he’s weird because he’s green and hairy. He is weird because he’s green and hairy, but that’s okay! And you know who else thinks that’s okay? Hottie Bimbo Martha May Whovier! The Grinch and Martha May have little second-grader crushes on one another, but Martha May is the prettiest, most popular girl in school, and the Grinch is the Grinch (a freak). So Martha May keeps her crush a secret. But Christmas is coming up, and the Grinch wants to make a move, so he makes her a sweet little homemade angel for her Christmas tree with a bunch of junk he collects from his lesbian moms. When the little Grinch makes his move and gives Martha May her present, the big bullies in class make fun of him, and Martha May doesn’t stop them, literally ruining Christmas for the Grinch forever. 

The Grinch’s ostracization (big word for a bimbo!!) from the other citizens of Whoville is a classic bimbo story – you can try and try and try to be what society tells you to be, but if you’re not who it was created for, sometimes you snap. And I’m not a Grinch apologist (except maybe I am), stealing people’s Christmas trees and presents is, like, really shitty. But I understand why he did it!

11. Buddy the Elf

Buddy is a classic bimbo and a dummy bimbo. He’s got the element of being just kind of clueless and not understanding how the world works. But he was also raised very literally in a place that was not made for him. He was too big for the showers and the beds and the shoes and clothes, and he was really bad at building and making and other elf shit. But then he goes to a place that should be made for him (New York City, made for white men), and he has no idea how to exist there! Bimbo everywhere he goes!

12. People who think Die Hard is a Christmas movie. (McKayla Witt, again)

13. The mom in Happiest Season

She has the trophy wife vibe for a bit which is super bimbo, but her big hero bimbo moment is when she confronts her husband about how they fucked their kids up! Slay! 

14. The Polar Express

This movie is absolutely STACKED with bimbos. The train conductor is a bimbo. The know-it-all boy is a bimbo. The kid who doesn’t talk at all is a bimbo. The girl is a bimbo. The tap-dancing waiters and backflipping chefs in the hot chocolate song are all bimbos. Tap dancing makes you a bimbo. Backflipping makes you a bimbo. Not talking makes you a bimbo.  Being a little shit who talks too much makes you a bimbo. They’re all bimbos.

15. Me

Christmas music starts on November 1. I will watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas or Elf any time of year. I think “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. I love Christmas.